


Lithium (Request)

by Arithese



Series: Requests [2]
Category: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - All Media Types
Genre: Blood, Brotherly Love, Depression, Dysfunctional Family, Emotions, Family Issues, Fluff In The End, Gen, Heavy Angst, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, request
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-09
Updated: 2018-11-09
Packaged: 2019-08-21 07:15:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,559
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16572077
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arithese/pseuds/Arithese
Summary: Mikey's brothers are always pushing him down, not realising how much it is hurting him, not until Mikey turns to more extreme measures. Request for Sparklinglight99 on ff.net





	Lithium (Request)

**Author's Note:**

> Another request, this time for Sparklinglight99! She wanted a story where Mikey becomes depressed, with brotherly fluff of course! And your wish is my command. Hope I did it justice!
> 
>  
> 
> Edit: I will upload the requests as seperate stories on AO3 because of the tagging etc. Old requests before I transferred my work to AO3 are still under one story because I'm too lazy to change that xD  
> The title is from an Evanescence song and it deals with depression and more.

(Mikey's POV)

It started when I was 11 years old, it started when dad started to yell at me, it started when I didn't feel welcome in my own family anymore. It happened when I messed up, when I did something bad. It started when bullies started to mock me for my looks.

It started when boys from my school decided to attack me for the way I dressed, for the way I acted and for the way I spoke.

I wish I could say that, I wish I could give this feeling a starting point. But the reality was… I couldn't. It started with me, when I was born, when my brothers and I were mutated maybe. But for as long as I could remember, I had been the odd ball out of the family.

I was never the most important one in the family, but that was okay, at least, it had been for many years. I was never as good as my brothers, and I would never-

"Mikey!" Raph yelled from the other side of the door, and I startle upright, whirling my head around. I immediately slam my diary under my bed, glancing at Raph as he opens the door. "Training is beginning, hurry your ass up" Raph gestures to the dojo, or where it would be.

"Coming" I smile, my muscles pulling awkwardly at my lips. It didn't feel right to smile anymore, but I couldn't show that. I couldn't show my family how badly I just wanted to … stop. I just wanted the world to stop turning, the days to stop changing. Life to continue like it always did.

I just wanted everything to stop.

Raph rolled his eyes, walking away before I could get up. I take a shuddering breath, tying my mask around my head before grabbing my weapons and leaving the safety of my room.

"Michelangelo, my son, so nice of you to join us today" Dad announces, and I suppress a wince at the tone of his voice. It was an accusing tone, as if he was blaming me for being late,  _for keeping them all waiting_. I mentally shake off the thoughts, returning the greeting and sitting down next to Don.

I stare blankly as dad talks, explaining what we were doing today, and what exercises we were doing.

"Michelangelo, you go with Raphael. Leonardo, you go with Donatello" Dad finishes, and I can see Raph grin towards me. I ignore him for now, standing up and walking over to my place, standing in front of Raph as dad instructed us to.

"Prepare ta get yer butt whooped" Raph snickered, taking out his sais. I force a grin on my face, grabbing my own weapons.

"Not this time, bro" I smirk, waiting for dad to give the sign. I allow Raph to make the first move, charging at me without any restraint. I sidestep, lashing out with my chucks. Raph easily deflects as well, his fist flying towards me. I felt it connect with plastron, and I jump backwards.

"That's just sloppy" Raph teases, sweeping low to catch my legs, but I narrowly avoid them. I grit my teeth.  _It was, it was sloppy._ "Geez Mikey, bad day?" Raph snickers, charging in again. I shake my head, flipping out of the way to avoid the hit from Raph.

I turn a couple of times in the air, landing on my feet without a problem.

Before I could attack Raph, however, he stuck me from behind. I yell in surprise, suddenly feelings my legs disappear from beneath me and I was sent crashing down to the ground. Raph was immediately on top of me, a sai held to my throat as a sign that he had won.

I immediately tap out. Raph smirks.

"Are ya getting worse, or am I getting better?" Raph snickers, getting up. I glare at him, silently getting up.  _Stop it!_ I mentally yell.  _Don't let them see your anger, just be happy_. I take a shuddering breath, turning away from Raph and walking over to the spot to sit down.

Raph nudges me carefully, a concerned look on his face.

"Don't worry bro, someone erased all the pizza in my dream" I joke, and Raph snorts at my explanation, but it seems like he bought it.  _Of course he bought it, he thinks you're a screw up, a baby._

A numb feeling washes over me the moment Raph turns back to watch Leo's and Don's fight, satisfied with my answer.  _Help me!_ I mentally scream, staring at him.  _Notice me, please._

 _I'm falling apart and nobody notices_.

TMNT

 _I just had to get out, I just had to_. I keep telling myself over and over again as I allow my feet to carry me. My lungs burned, my head felt light, but I pushed on. It didn't matter anyways,  _you deserve this, idiot._ I continue to run, ignoring the tears obstructing my view.  _Don't think about the exhaustion, you deserve it_.

I knew where I was going, and I knew where to step.

It wasn't long before I arrived, and I felt something calm wash over me. I slow down, walking over to the small stash of water bottles I kept in this place. I suppress a grimace as the lukewarm water slides down my throat, but it was still soothing despite its temperature, so I don't stop.

I gently set down the bottle, glancing over to the wall, filled with drawings, paintings. It was my place in the sewers, a place that was just for me, and something that I didn't share with my family.  _Something I was good at_. I grimace, glancing at the paintings before snorting in disgust.

Who was I kidding, they weren't even good.

I glance down at the ground.  _But I liked making them, I liked wasting hours to come here_.

I carefully walk over to the wall, sitting down in a cross legged position and grabbing my stuff. I felt comfortable here, at ease when I didn't feel this way at home. It was an escape from my home, and an escape from myself I guess. I didn't have to play pretend here, I didn't have to pretend to be happy here.

' _Hajime!'_ I wince slightly, dipping my brush into the paint without thinking.

' _You are sloppy today, Michelangelo. Why?_ ' I scowl at the thought, squeezing my eyes shut for just a moment before gazing at the painting in front of me again. This was the reason dad, this was the reason I was late for something I didn't enjoy doing. This was the reason I was too tired to do something I didn't like.

I was doing something that I did like.

' _Who knows what you four did wrong today?'_ Dad asks softly. The brush gently stroked over the wall, the canvas harsh and unrelenting. But it was something, it was calming.

'We didn't watch out backs?' That's what I had said, because I knew that's what we did wrong. I take a shuddering breath, allowing my mind to wander anywhere else. But it didn't work.

' _Wonder whose fault is that?'_ I don't think Raph meant for me to hear that, or rather, I don't think he meant to say it out loud even. But he did, and even if he hadn't, it didn't change the fact that he thought like that. he already blamed me, he blamed me for messing up training before he even said so out loud.

"Don't think about it Mikey, just don't" I mumble to myself, grabbing another brush instead. I continue the painting in front of me, turning my mind off. But the thoughts kept running through my head. I was a mistake, an idiot who couldn't keep up with the rest of the family. Why was I being punished for it?

I grit my teeth, brush lowering against my will.

Why was I being punished for not liking something that the rest of my family did? That the rest of my family was good at?  _Because I had nothing else to contribute to this family_. Leo was the leader of the team, he was the eldest, the most skilled in being a ninja, and the most devoted to the Hamato Clan, except dad.

Raph was the muscles, he protected us in fights, he was the strongest. He worked hard as well, not just as a ninja, but he trained in strength, so he could protect us from the bad guys. So he could carry us when we were down. He saved us multiple times before already. He added value to this family by being the protector.

Don's specialty wasn't in being ninja, but that didn't mean he wasn't a good one. He could hold his own, he could defeat our enemies still. But his specialties were technology, and his brain. He makes our machines, he makes the technology we used every day to live comfortably, and safely.

He made the heaters we use to avoid our bodies shutting down during the winter, he made the lights so we could see clearly. And he was the family doctor, without him… I don't think we'd all be here today. Just like we wouldn't be here without Raph, or without Leo, or without dad.

But me? Not me. I contributed nothing.

I was like Don, I didn't like training like Raph and Leo did, but outside of being a ninja, I contributed nothing. I added nothing to this family, not even in ninjutsu.

"And whose fault is that?" I mutter under my breath, glaring at my feet.  _Mine, that was my fault_. Everything used to be so easy, but that was before my brothers got jealous, especially Leo. I wasn't supposed to be better, I wasn't supposed to surpass my older brothers in something they liked.

I didn't want to fight, I didn't want to put effort in hurting others, I didn't want to make my brothers hate me. So why did they still hate me for it? They hated that I didn't pay attention, they hated that I goofed off, they hated when I didn't put enough effort in ninjutsu. They didn't care that I didn't want to.

They only cared because I had nothing else to bring to this family.

 _And they were right_.

TMNT

I carefully unwrap the bandages around my right arm, limbs trembling ever so slightly.  _Was I seriously considering this right now?_ My whole body was itching with something, something I couldn't explain.  _I feel like I'm about to explode out of my own skin._

_Mikey, stay with Donnie._

I carefully grab the tiny razor blade, shuddering slightly at the feeling. A whine escapes my throat, and I drop it again.  _No, this is a bad idea._  I glance at the object again.  _But what if it helped? What if it did help get rid of this constant…. feeling? A feeling I had no way of describing_.

_Why do I always get stuck Mikey?_

Tears were lingering in my eyes, falling and falling, replaced the moment they fell. I grab the razor blade again, tears dropping onto my wrist. The blade rests against my wrist, and I let out a sob.  _I can't do this, I can't do this. What if I go too far? What if my family find out about this?_

I sniffle, wiping away the tears.

_I don't want him._

Honestly, I didn't blame him. My fingers trembled, loosening around the blade again. I couldn't, I really couldn't do this. Music continued to blast through my room, the key still in the door as a sign it was locked, I was alone. And even if I hadn't locked it, nobody would bother to check on me.

 _I don't want him either, and I'm in charge_.

Nobody cared, they didn't care about me.

_Well, then make Raph take Mikey._

Yes, that's okay, that would be okay. I would keep quiet, I would follow Raph, and help April get her father back. I could do this, just… not do the only thing that you contribute to the family, keep them happy. Even while I wasn't.

 _Over my dead body_. I froze, I had frozen back then. My mouth was dry, my body numb. I would've done anything to feel something back then, get rid of that numbness that was spreading through my body like a wildfire. Feel, feel like I was feeling the tears stream down my face right now.

I wish I had said something. It would've been so easy to say something, instead I said nothing.  _Just take him Don._ Shut up, please shut up. I wish I had said that, I wish I had protested. But no, I couldn't, April's dad was more important than my feelings right now, right?

They didn't care,  _you're so useless Mikey._ I sob, bowing my head. Music continued to play through my room, loud enough to draw out the outside world, not loud enough for my family to hear it from the pit, and not loud enough to keep all the voices away.

 _Idiot_. Stop it. Tears continued to stream down my face, and I didn't care about stopping them.  _You're so useless, a waste of space._

_I don't want him._

_Why do I always get stuck with Mikey?_

_Just take him._

_I don't want to._

_I JUST WANT IT TO STOP._

My hand moves before I can even comprehend it. The blade enters my skin so easily, sliding through it like a knife through butter. Blood seeped through the wound at an alarming rate, and I could do nothing but blink. Everyone around me was silent, numbness spreading through my body within seconds.

It felt good, it felt quiet. My eyes burned, and I almost laughed.  _It was quiet…._ And I was bleeding. I blink a couple of times, carefully reaching over and putting a piece of gauze over the wound. A slight pain shoots through my arm, but I soak it up, closing my eyes with a shuddering breath.

And for once, everything felt right, everything was quiet around me.

Even if it really wasn't

TMNT

I didn't even want to move right now. I just wanted to turn around, and curl tighter around the blanket surrounding me. Everything felt heavy around me, as if my blood was made of lead, and weights were holding my body down. I felt like I hadn't slept in days, even if that was the only thing I had been doing lately.

Force myself out of bed, train with my family, get scolded for not performing well, go back to bed, force myself out when we were going on patrol, before happily climbing back in bed when we got home.

I groan softly, rolling over to my side until I almost tipped over the edge of the bed. I sluggishly get up, sitting on the bed with the same heavy feeling in my body. I stare down at my wrist, blinking a couple of times. Red and angry marks criss-crossed my wrist, some healed, some new.

How long had it been since  _that_  day? How long has it been since my brothers tossed me around, spewing that they didn't even want to be paired with me?

1 month, 2 weeks, 5 days and around 13 hours. And my brothers probably didn't even remember it had happened in the first place.

"Mikey!" Leo yelled from the other side of the door suddenly. "Don't be late for training,  _again_ " He yelled. I sigh, turning my eyes back to the state of my wrist. They hadn't even noticed I started warning my wrist straps a bit higher up, a bit thicker every day. True, it was hardly recognisable.

But family should recognise it, they should've noticed it the first time.

_Did I want them to?_

I shake my head, walking over to the drawer and slowly wrapping both my wrists with the wraps. I should ask Don about making me some sort of sleeves instead of these wraps.  _No, I really can't bother him, he's already so busy_. I slowly put on the rest of my gear, grabbing my mask on the way out.

"Michelangelo" Dad snaps the moment I walk in. I can feel my heart sink, but I try to keep a straight face. "This is the third time this week that you have been late" He speaks. It has been weeks since he tried to ask for an explanation, knowing that I couldn't come up with a good one.

I was just too tired to get up, but the only time I told that story, he told me to go to bed earlier.

"I'm sorry sensei" I mumble, tying my mask around my face as I walk over to my spot.

Sensei shakes his head. "I do not know what is wrong with you as of late, my son" He says softly. I can feel ice run through my body.  _Wrong, wrong, wrong, dad thought there was something wrong with me_. "Today you will be meditating while your brothers train, afterwards you will stay to train individually"

All I could focus on was the disappointment that was in Dad's eyes.

TMNT

Tears were streaming down my face, but I didn't care, I didn't care about anything but the blood streaming down my wrist. I didn't care about anything except the blade disappearing into my flesh.

 _He hates you, dad hates you. You're worthless, he likes Raph better, he has always been disappointed in you_.

I drag the blade across my right wrist again, blood joining the rest of the blood.  _It just wasn't enough_. I needed more, I needed it to stop hurting, I needed everything to stop hurting. I just wanted it to stop. A sob tears out of my throat, and I drop the razor blade with trembling fingers, staring blankly at my wrist.

I didn't want to die, I just wanted everything to stop. I just… I wanted dad to love me.

" _Raph give it back!" I shout, reaching for the remote. But I can't bring myself to actually get up, opting to glare at my older brother instead._

" _Nu uh, I want to watch this" Raph countered, and I shake my head._

" _Too bad, I was watching this" I retort, reaching for the remote again but Raph keeps it out of my reach. "Raph!" I snap, not caring about acting more irritable. It was my turn, dad said I was allowed to watch television after dinner, Raph already had his turn today. Raph shakes his head again, changing the channel._

_I growl low in my chest, jumping at him. Raph startles at the sudden attack, but wasn't fast enough to avoid me. I hit him straight in the chest, and we both tumble down on the ground._

" _Give it back" I yell, but Raph easily rolls me onto my shell with his strength. I yell in frustration, squirming under Raph's hold._

" _Michelangelo, Raphael!" I could suddenly hear dad yell through the lair, his walking stick thumping on the ground. "Is it too much to ask for a few hours of quiet?" He continues, clearly angry._

" _Raph doesn't want to give me the remote" I tell him, but dad shakes his head in disappointment._

" _Leave it Michelangelo, let Raphael watch his program." Dad orders, immediately turning around. I felt myself freeze under Raph's hold, and I don't even see the smug expression on Raph's face as he climbs off me, turning back to the television. Tears jump into my eyes, and I slowly scramble onto my feet._

 _Dad choose Raph over me_.

SHUT UP! I yell mentally, growling and standing up. My whole body was itching for… something. I wanted to hit, I wanted to yell, trash my room, ruin my furniture, anything. Tears blurred my vision, and I fall back on the bed, careful not to let my arm touch the bed. I was crying over nothing.

I was crying because dad told me to give Raph the remote, so why did it hurt so much? I sob, reaching for a piece of gauze and putting it against my wrist.

 _It wasn't enough anymore_.

TMNT

 _I went too far_.

That was my first thought the moment the tanto enters my wrist. I pale at the blood spewing out of my body. It wasn't relaxing anymore, it hurt, it hurt a lot. I could feel my head started spinning, and I could only open my mouth in a silent 'oh'. There was too much, I went too deep, too far.

Fear coursed through my body, and I could feel tears burn in my eyes. Blood continued to bubble up, already leaking down my arm and staining the bed.  _Shit_. I scrambled off the bed, hurrying to the other side of the room. Blood smeared across the dresser, but I didn't care right now, ripping it open.

Blood still bubbled up from the wound, and I ripped the gauze out of the package as quick as I could, pressing down against the wound. I hiss, tears pouring down my face. My head spun, and I sway dangerously, just barely containing myself from crashing to the ground. I sob, the sound clawing its way out of my throat.

 _I went too deep_.

I snap my head down to my belt, fumbling with it before grasping my phone. Blood smeared across the device, and my fingers trembled too much. The device slipped out of my hands, clattering to the ground. I stumble, arm flying out to stabilise myself. I wince as my lamp falls down, shattering upon hitting the ground.

My head swirled again, and that's when everything went black.

The next moment I'm blinking heavily, head pounding relentlessly. I could feel my heart beating rapidly, and it was almost impossible to draw in a breath. I could feel blood pooling under me, and my body freeze with a realisation;  _I was going to die here_. I sob, trying to turn on my side but my body wouldn't listen.

 _I didn't want to die, I didn't want to die_.

There was a sudden knock on the door, and I could feel my heart jolt. I groan, or at least I wanted to. White enveloped my vision, and the next thing I knew was the door being thrown open. Raph immediately froze in the doorway, eyes going wide.

"R-Ra-" I try to say, but I can't even form a proper word, I can't even lift my head off the ground.

"DONNIE, LEO, DAD! GET HERE QUICKLY!" Raph yelled, rushing towards me. "No no no, Mikey. Yer gonna be alright, y-yer gonna be just.. fine" Raph rambled, grasping one of the gauzes that had fallen to the ground. I blink,  _when had that happened?_  Raph pressed the gauze against my arm.

I let my head drop, unable to keep it up. I stare blankly at the ceiling, tears streaming down my face, but I had no energy left to fight it. Raph was screaming at me, nudging me, touching me,  _crying_. I couldn't respond even if I wanted to. Leo joined… Donnie joined. They were all screaming.

I… I didn't respond.

I was out before I could see dad.

TMNT

(Raph's POV)

I frown slightly, a low groan filling the quiet room. I furrow my brows, feeling the skin rub against the arm I was currently using as a pillow. It was probably nothing, just my imagination. I take a deep breath again, willing myself to go back to sleep again. My back was aching, protesting against my current position.

But I refused to leave Mikey alone right now. So I ignored my back, and stayed in the same position, using the side of the cot to get some sleep as well.

Something moved next to me, and I immediately snap my eyes open. Because I didn't imagine  _that_ , that was real. And that could only mean one thing. I sit up straight as fast as I could, wide eyes staring at the figure that was now looking at me with tired and confused blue eyes.

"Yer awake" I state, and Mikey blinks a couple of times, before his eyes trail to his right wrist. My face falls, and I gently reach out for the wrist, putting my hand on top of the bandages hiding the wounds, the self-inflicted wounds. My throat feels tight, and I can't get myself to speak.

What could I possibly say?

"Please say something" Mikey rasps, tears jumping into his eyes. I can feel my heart break at the vulnerable voice.

"Why did ya do it?" I found myself asking, tears burning in my eyes. I bite the inside of my cheek, forcing them to go away. I didn't want them now, I had to be strong, I had to be strong for my family, for Mikey. The latter glances down, a single tear dripping down his face at the question.

"To make everything stop" He whispers, and I can feel my body freeze at the implication.

"Do ya wanna die that badly?" I force out of my throat, and Mikey looks up in horror, eyes widening. There's a short silence, but Mikey quickly shakes his head.

"I don't want to die Raph, I just want  _everything_ to stop. The noise in my head… the feeling I need to hit something… trash something. I just wanted it to stop"

"But ya.. cut yerself. Why would ya do that if…?" I stop myself, swallowing thickly. Mikey glances at me with a guilty expression.

"To stop everything, to stop myself from hurting." Mikey stops himself as well, glancing away from me. "I did it so living would be more bearable… because I don't want to die, Raph" Tears jump into Mikey's dull blue eyes, and I reach forwards, gently turning his face towards mine.

Blue eyes meet my green ones, and silent tears stream down Mikey's cheeks. I gently brush them away with my thumbs, and Mikey does nothing but stare at me with eyes that are filled with so much sadness. I should've realised sooner, I should've noticed he was unhappy, I did notice he was.

 _But I didn't do anything_.

I basically ignored Mikey's withdrawn behaviour, his more moody behaviour. The fact that he seemed more tired, that he seemed to pull less and less pranks as time went by. But the only thing I could focus on was how much I fought with Leo and Don because of Mikey's absence, how tense the lair got.

"You have to believe me, Raphie. I don't wanna die, but I just can't… stop" Mikey sobbed, and this time, I allowed my tears to fall as well.

"I will always believe you, otouto" I whisper. "We're gonna get through this together okay? Yer gonna be okay"

"Please help me" Mikey whispered, and I nod firmly. I reach forwards, wrapping my arms around him. He sobs against me, leaning into the embrace.

Mikey was far from okay, but he hadn't shut us out yet, and that meant he could, would, be okay.

TMNT

(Leo's POV)

"Mikey?" I ask softly, and my little brother glances up at me. "Can I ask you something?" I ask.

"You just did." Mikey grins, but it wasn't his usual grin. I could see he was trying to make jokes, calm the situation and make us less worried. But the cat was out of the bag I guess, and now it was, we could see Mikey like he truly was right now. Suffering from depression, and self-harming tendencies.

I look at him with a stern voice, and Mikey seems to realise my throughs, shrugging and nodding at me. I take the invitation, sitting down on the couch next to him.

"Can you tell me why you started hurting yourself?" I ask, and I can see Mikey's breath hitch at the question. "I'm not forcing you, Mikey. I would understand if you don't want to" I tell him.  _I'm not asking as a leader right now, I'm asking you as a big brother. Not because I'm worried for my team._

 _But because I was worried for my baby brother_.

Mikey gnaws at his lip, glancing at the now exposed cuts. Don had stitched the cuts, the ones that hadn't healed yet. After Mikey had been released from the infirmary, we had all decided it was better if Mikey had no means of covering them up, so we could see if he relapsed, and Mikey agreed.

That didn't make it any less difficult for him.

"I guess I noticed when we were 7. That was two years after we started learning ninjutsu, and dad started teaching us more difficult moves." Mikey muttered, glancing at me with guilty eyes. "They weren't difficult for me" He adds, and right now it's my breath that hitches at the implication.

And the memories that came along with it. The glares Raph sent towards Mikey, how mad I was at my baby brother when he flipped perfectly on the second try, and I still didn't get it despite practising 10 times already. Only Donnie wasn't jealous, but that was to be expected, Donnie rarely got jealous.

Especially over something he wasn't passionate about.

"Tell me we didn't-" I whisper, but I was unable to finish my sentence.  _We got jealous… and of course Mikey would_ -

"Don't feel jealous dude, it was my decision." Mikey retorts softly. "But when I saw Raph and you were getting jealous… I kinda stopped showing off" I wanted to yell at him, scream at him that he wasn't showing off, that we were wrong. But I knew yelling wouldn't accomplish anything right.

It would only scare Mikey even more.

"You didn't have to, Mikey" I whisper, voice barely audible because of the sob stuck in my throat. Mikey's gaze softens slightly.

"I wanted to, you were so happy when you got the hang of those moves the first. You love ninjutsu, it was only fair for you to be the best"

"That doesn't excuse it, Mikey. You shouldn't have to fake being bad at something so I don't feel bad" I protest. Mikey looks down, fiddling with his wrists. I find myself glancing at his wrists, something I had done a lot the last few days, ever since Raph had found him in his room.

I was glad Mikey agreed to not cover them, but ever sight of them felt like a punch in the gut, seeing the angry lines on his wrist, lines he made himself. Because we were shitty brothers to him all those years.

"I didn't mind, Leo. I never liked ninjutsu the way you did."

"You never liked the violence." I deduct, and he shrugs slightly. It wasn't a secret Mikey was the most kind hearted one of us. He didn't kill, he believed everyone had a redeemable side, except Shredder maybe. He had one of the most deadliest weapons, but he'd rather make it more difficult for himself than risk breaking someone's skull.

The only time he has really killed, and one that would haunt him forever, was saving my ass. He didn't hesitate killing that foot soldier, but he did it fast and effectively, making sure that he never felt the pain. Raph, Don and I were different. We didn't like killing either, but we would to make sure our family was safe.

But the biggest difference was that we weren't necessarily bothered by killing someone. So whenever I could, I would deliver the last blow, or Raph would. I made sure Donnie didn't have to, but even he had a larger kill count than Mikey would ever have.

"I didn't" Mikey confirmed. "It was okay, you were happy, and that made me happy. But.. the more I made you happy, the more you got angry at me" Mikey continues with a soft voice. I gently reach out, squeezing his shoulder gently.

Mikey glances at me, smiling slightly.

"It was okay though, until we.. went to the surface, I guess" Mikey continues. "Life became harder, we got injured more and you guys just got so much more somber. I tried to cheer you up, but you said I had to stop goofing around, take life serious for once"

"I shouldn't have, Mikey." I interrupt softly, and Mikey shook his head.

"No, you shouldn't have. But you did Leo, all of you, you called me a goofball, a screw up-" Mikey stops, tears streaming down his face, and an anger blazing in his eyes. "I didn't know what to do Leo. I thought I would take life seriously like you said"

I'm silent, completely silent. Because before he continues, I know exactly what he was referring to.  _And I should've noticed it then_.

"I became serious, I took training seriously even when I didn't want to. And you guys didn't take me seriously, you mocked me for being serious. And you-" Mikey's voice rises almost dangerously, and he fixes his gaze on me. "You were jealous, I could see you were jealous, and you wouldn't talk to me that day."

"Mikey-" I whisper, feeling tears stream down my face.

"Don't deny it, Leo. Please don't" Mikey whispers, not even bothering to hide his own tears. I glance down, biting my lip.

"I won't deny it, Mikey" I start softly, reaching out for his hands. "I think we need a family meeting for this, we've had secrets for far too long" I continue, and Mikey frowns slightly.

"What do you mean?" Mikey asks, eyes immediately glancing down at my wrists. He almost hesitantly reaches for the wraps but I shake my head, stopping him.

"Not that, Mikey" I tell him gently, trying to keep any judgement out of my voice. "I don't hurt myself, but I keep things from you guys as well. I realise now that that's wrong. Each other is all we have in this world, and we almost lost you because of secrets."

Mikey glances up, bright blue eyes staring at my sea blue ones.

"Call the rest." Mikey tells me, and I smile ever so slightly. There was unconditional love in his eyes, a willingness to help despite his own problems. Mikey deserved the whole world, he was too good for us, and we messed it up so badly by allowing him to get this far.

So I nod, standing up to get the rest.

TMNT

"Why have you brought us all together, my son?" Dad asks softly, and I glance at him. We were all sitting in the dojo, per Mikey's request. Because, ironically, he felt most at ease talking in the room. There was a certain feeling in that room he stated.

"A family talk is long overdue, dad" I say, the last word almost wrong for me to say. We had been taught since we were small children that dad was 'sensei' in the dojo. But right now he wasn't our sensei, he was our dad.

"Therapy session?" Raph snorts, but the usual sarcasm misses from his statement. It was a dead giveaway that he wasn't opposed to one.

"Mikey told me.. why he did the things he did." I glance at him, but Mikey nods at my statement, giving me permission to tell. So I turn back to my family again, all sitting in a circle, and I told them what Mikey had just told me not 20 minutes ago. I told them everything I could remember.

How Mikey told about our jealousy when he was better at ninjutsu, how he stopped 'showing off' so we wouldn't be jealous, and mad at him. How he tried to make us happy, but we didn't appreciate it. How he tried to be serious, but we shot him down, laughed at him for trying to be something he wasn't.

 _And how jealous I got because he tried_.

"So why do we need to talk with the whole family? Not like I'm against it" Don speaks up, eyes focused on Mikey for a moment before turning to me.

"We need to stop with the secrets, because it almost cost us Mikey" I mutter, and I can see Raph wince at the forced memory.

"What are you suggesting, Leonardo?" Dad asks, and I glance at him, before glancing at Mikey. He was equally as confused right now, he didn't understand why I suddenly wanted the family conversation.

I force myself to keep looking at my baby brother. "I remember when Mikey suddenly became serious. I was surprised for sure, and happy at first, but…-" I stop for a second, taking a deep breath. "When you showed how good you really are, better than all of us combined, I didn't just become jealous. I became scared" I tell my family.

"Why would you be scared?" Mikey asks softly. I glance at dad this time.

"I was scared dad would take away my leadership, that he would think I wasn't good enough. Being the leader in this family is the only thing I'm good at, if I'm not the best anymore, what am I good for?" Mikey face falls at the statement.

"Leo…" He whispers, and I wipe away the tears from my cheeks.

"I was scared to lose my value in this family, Mikey. Not because I didn't want you to become better, or because I was jealous I wasn't the best anymore" I hiccup slightly, rubbing at my eyes before turning back to my family again. "That's why we need to talk as a family, our insecurities hurt our baby brother, and we can't let that happen"

"That was very brave of you, my son" Dad whispers, voice as sullen as he had been when he found out Mikey hurt himself. "But you should know that I would never take this away from you. Leadership isn't about who is the best at ninjutsu, it is about who is best at leading the team. You are the most level-headed of the team, the most rational one. The skills of your brothers will never influence your ability as a leader"

Dad spoke in a determined voice, looking at me with warm brown eyes.

"Thanks dad" I spoke, using my palm to wipe away from more tears.

"I thought about it" Don suddenly whispers, staring at his hands, body tense. He slowly looks up to me, shame clear in his eyes. "Hurting myself" He clarifies and even his voice was laced with shame.

"Why?" Raph croaks, tears shining. And it seemed, for once, that Raph didn't care about keeping up his macho appearance. He hadn't for a long time, ever since he had had that breakdown after he found Mikey all covered in blood. He had thought Mikey would die, and he couldn't handle the thought.

The thought that the same could happen to Don…

"Because I'm not as good as you guys are in being a ninja" Don admits softly, wrapping his arms around himself.

"Don.. the only reason we don't hibernate is because of your heaters, the only reason we're all still alive is your medical knowledge. You provide so much to this family, I don't think we would've survived if you hadn't been here" I say, but I can't say I'm too surprised. I knew Don was insecure.

I knew he doubted himself, I just never knew it was this bad.

"I know, but I'm a bad ninja, and with you all being so good at ninjutsu… I just feel like a burden sometimes, especially topside" Don mutters, wrapping his arms around his legs, bringing his knees up to his chest.

"Donatello, you are useful in this family. Your strengths are equally as needed as the strengths of your brothers. Your brothers are right in pointing out the value you've brought to our living conditions. Despite your claims, you are still a formidable ninja, and I couldn't be more prouder"

"Thanks" Don mutters softly, glancing at Raph. The latter's eyes widened ever so slightly as he realised that he was next. I could see Raph weighing his options for a few seconds, before he sighed, bowing his head.

"I feel like I'm weak. I'm supposed ta be the protector of this family, but I fail you guys so often. I allow you to get hurt in battle, I create danger by running head first into the battle.. I-I hurt you with my anger." Raph struggles to find the right words, and I could feel my eyes burn again. "Sometimes I think yer better off without me" Raph mutters that last part.

"Did you ever think about…?" Mikey whispers, stopping himself and gesturing to his wrists. Raph's face hardened, and he shook his head.

"Never." Raph stated, and I could hear he was telling the truth. "But I recognise what ya said Mike, when ya said you wanted to hit something, when you felt something crawl under yer skin. That's why I work out so much, to let my emotions out, and become stronger"

"The same emotions can be interpreted, and shown, differently by each person. Michelangelo and you have always been the most led by emotions but Michelangelo's passive nature has made it unable for him to turn to violence the way you calm yourself" Dad spoke softly, and I could see the sorrow in his eyes.

Raph glances at Mikey, who was looking right back at him. It was like there was an unspoken conversation between them, something that wasn't uncommon between them. Raph and Mikey were always the closest, how far apart they seemed to anyone outside the family.

Dad was right about them both, they were the most led by emotions, they just displayed it differently. Raph hid everything with anger, because he had always been insecure. Mikey hid his emotions by laughter, and his laughs, but they were both insecure. And they had always been drawn to each other.

Mikey was the baby at heart, and Raph was the protector, it made sense.

I had always been more connected to Don. We were both more rational, more level headed, so obviously we were more drawn to each other. That didn't mean I loved any of my brothers more or less than the other.

"I suspected you four to have insecurities of your own, every teenager has. I did not suspect these insecurities to run so deeply-" Dad's eyes roam towards Mikey, a sad look crossing his features. "Or for them to almost destroy or family"

Mikey looks down at the mention of what he has done.

"Leonardo, you were right to bring us four together. I realise now that we need to be more open about our emotions" Dad continues. "It is due to our mutation that we solely rely on each other, and insecurities within a family can be devastating if that's all we have in this world"

I nod absently, dad was, of course, right about that. Because of our mutation, we had no one else to turn to, except a few humans. But we didn't have much of a life outside our family. We didn't go to school, we didn't play sports with kids our age, we couldn't go outside to play with kids on the street.

Each other, and this family, was all we have.

And that wasn't necessarily bad. We were closer than any family we could think of. We loved each other, and we would do anything to protect each other. But like dad said, if we had insecurities within this family, it was difficult, if not impossible, to get away from them like normal kids could.

"I should've noticed it, I'm so selfish" Mikey mutters, rubbing his eyes. "You were all struggling and yet… I'm the only one too weak to cope with it. I'm just…" Tears were flowing from Mikey's eyes right now, and I can feel my heart break for the millionth time these past few days.

"Yer not selfish, bonehead." Raph snaps, a familiar fire burning in his eyes. A fire that showed the love he had reserved for us, and only us. "Yer not weak, don't ya ever think that."

"But I .. hurt myself." Mikey hiccups, rubbing at his eyes. Raph is the first one to break the circle, dragging himself over to Mikey and hugging him tightly. Mikey allows Raph, burying his face in the latter's chest.

"Yer not weak Mikey, just because ya have a different outlet for your emotions doesn't make you weak. You made a mistake." Raph gently puts both hands on Mikey's cheeks, forcing him to look at him. "Ya made a mistake, but yer gonna get better, because you're strong. And we will help ya"

"We're both gonna be better" Mikey whispers so softly.

"We all will" I affirm, closing the distance between them, and wrapping my arms around Raph and Mikey, dragging Don with me into the hug.

"You're not weak Mikey, you're so strong. And I couldn't be more proud of you." Don says, allowing me to squash him between Raph and I. He only looks up as dad walks over to us.

"I am saddened by your stories, but we will get through this, together, as a family." Dad spoke, wrapping his arms around all of us. "I love you so much, my sons" Dad murmurs.

**Author's Note:**

> Done! Pfff, this turned out to be so much longer, and I don't regret any of it, my grades might tho xD  
> Hopefully I did your request justice! Lemme know what you all think.
> 
> See ya!


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